BECOME THE WOMAN WHO NEVER SETTLES AGAIN.
Before You Decide You Want Him Back,
Read This
Before you assume his return means growth or clarity, it’s important to understand what usually drives it. Most avoidant men don’t come back because they’re ready to build something different, but because familiarity, access, and validation feel safer than facing their own emptiness. A return is not proof of change, patterns reveal capacity, and behavior tells the truth.
Sure, many avoidant men will eventually try to come back, but rarely for the reasons you hope. And if they do, it isn’t a compliment. Here’s why.
Most returns are not about growth, healing, or emotional insight. Nor are they about love or a sudden realization that you are “the one”, a phrase avoidant men use to create emotional distance while flaw-finding their way out of closeness.
It also helps them sound logical while convincing themselves the issue is compatibility, when the truth is a lack of capacity.
They are typically driven by depletion:
- Options dry up due to inconsistency
- The roster thins out
- Their ego is bruised by failed attempts at connection
- Patterned behavior is exposed, revealing their true colors
- A recent breakup or divorce removes their primary source of access
When loneliness settles in, the discomfort hits hard. Rather than face their insecurities, they reach for distraction. They gravitate toward what’s familiar, easily accessible, and emotionally undemanding.
This Is Where the Roster and Dating Apps Come In
Dismissive avoidant men are especially prone to becoming addicted to dating apps. Unlike narcissists, who often cycle on and off once supply is secured, avoidant men often camp out there for years.
The constant swiping provides a dopamine hit and a steady stream of validation, feeding their ego through instant gratification. They do not need a real connection; the selection itself gives them a sense of control and access.
When loneliness sets in, he returns to the apps if he ever left them, while simultaneously scanning his past to see which former fling will allow access with the least chance of rejection.
If an avoidant man senses a high risk of rejection, he is far less likely to attempt a reconnect.
One of their fears is being perceived as defective or not good enough. This is also why they often leave first if they sense you may be pulling away or that you may end things. Leaving first gives them a sense of control, which allows them to protect their ego and avoid emotional vulnerability, which is tied to their loss of autonomy and independence.
How to Spot a Roster Early
One of the easiest ways to identify an insecure man with a roster is by looking at who he follows on social media.
If his following looks like an all-female high school reunion with a heavy emphasis on thirst traps, you pretty much have your answer.
This is about pattern recognition and knowing how to spot it early.
Men who lead with lust are not focused on building anything real. They seek surface-level connections without commitment.
This allows them to keep options in rotation, recycling former flings, ex-partners, women from dating apps, and female “friends.”
It is highly likely that his close female friends who seem to always hover were at one point his affair partners, aka “low-stakes partners,” or will eventually become one.
A man with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, who consistently uses sex for validation, is incapable of a purely platonic friendship with a woman.
Please believe me when I say that if or when any of those “friends” gives him access, he will jump on it, and true to form, he will deactivate and end those connections, just as he did with the others.
This is because he is not seeking anything deep or intimate. Since these “low-stakes partners” have served as his emotional support, the connections are too vulnerable for him. He will continue to act out his pattern, moving on to someone more attractive or recycling an old fling. Psychologically, avoidant men do this to satisfy their need for validation and novelty while avoiding real intimacy. This behavior stems from extreme insecurity, lust-driven impulses, poor character, and lack of self-control.
Replaceability is the mindset, and novelty is the dopamine hit.
When access is available, he rotates. Not because he is confused or unsure. He uses the roster because it works in his favor. Easy access with no accountability is an avoidant’s ideal setup.
Breadcrumbing: How the Door
Gets Tested
Before the full return, there is usually a test.
Avoidant breadcrumbing often looks like this:
- Watching your social media stories
- Liking or commenting on a post
- Sending a vague text like “How have you been?”
- Sending a photo with “This memory popped up and reminded me of you”
- Sharing a meme with no real context
- Asking friends or family members how you’re doing
- Showing up in places they know you will likely be (orbiting)
Nothing direct. Nothing that requires emotional exposure.
Breadcrumbing, a modern term for intermittent reinforcement, works by creating subtle dependency. Inconsistent attention and validation keeps someone hooked, making them return for more.
In the beginning, attention and validation are consistent. The connection feels steady. Then there’s a sudden shift. You’re given just enough to stay emotionally invested, but never enough to feel secure. Your nervous system keeps searching for the version of them from the beginning.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but that version of him is not coming back. Early attentiveness was often mirroring. enough to gain access, not sustained attachment.
While testing whether the door is still open with you, they’re often testing other doors too. If it worked before, they’ll repeat it. This is how the roster stays intact without requiring commitment.
Why the Return Does Not Mean Readiness
Avoidant patterns do not struggle with attraction. They struggle with consistency, follow-through, vulnerability, closeness, emotional presence, conflict resolution, and criticism, often taking it personally even when constructive.
If you enter a committed relationship with an unhealed avoidant, understand what you’re signing up for.
You are signing up for a very lonely, one-sided relationship that will ultimately leave you unfulfilled. Avoidant men do not prioritize their romantic partner. Work, hobbies, friends, and even family often come first. Emotional connection will be scarce, effort uneven, and physical intimacy will drastically decline over time, often accompanied by sexual shutdown or dissociation during sex. You will find yourself doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, abandoning your needs to keep the connection going. What you hoped would develop into a stronger connection does the opposite. Over time, connection erodes, resentment builds, and the relationship begins to feel less like a partnership and more like roommates or strangers living under the same roof. This dynamic is unhealthy and painful.
Where Poor Character Enters the Picture
An avoidant man with poor character may seek connection elsewhere. Often this starts as emotional affairs and escalates to physical infidelity. This is not caused by the relationship itself, but by their inability to tolerate closeness while craving validation and access.
To avoid attachment, they seek low-stakes partners, people they perceive as less desirable than what they typically are attracted to. This keeps emotional risk low, preserves control, and prevents real bonding. They are not looking to build; they are simply looking for someone to fill a need, usually providing an emotional outlet that may lead to physical intimacy because they don’t really care if they lose them. This allows them to avoid attachment altogether because this is not someone they would ever consider a committed relationship with.
The Reality Women Need to Hear
Patterns do not lie. Words mean very little. Behavior tells you everything.
Inconsistency is the first crack that exposes the pattern. That sudden drop in communication is information.
Once you see the pattern, trust it. You are not the exception.
Raise your standards and close that door.
It’s understandable to feel there was deep chemistry with an unhealed avoidant. But that wasn’t chemistry. It was your subconscious pulling you toward familiar chaos. Holding onto this connection is toxic hope. It’s very unlikely this man ever developed true, deep feelings for you.
The last thing I want is for you to cling to that illusion, wasting more time on a connection that will never happen.
Don’t stay.
Pray.
Walk away.
Meet Annie,
your guide to secure love.
I know how painful it is to feel unseen, abandoned, or stuck in the same patterns. I’ve studied Attachment Theory deeply and worked with women who felt hopeless about love, and I’ve witnessed them transform. My mission is simple: to help you heal your core wounds, break free from repeating cycles, and finally create relationships that feel safe and fulfilling.